She’s never been on a date.
Looking in the mirror, she tries not to grimace at herself. It’s not that she doesn’t like what she sees; it’s more that, inwardly, it feels like a sin to be dissatisfied. She’s pretty enough to have dated several guys. To have flirted. To have danced. To have played around.
But I don’t. She tells herself, almost mournfully, this time not able to trick herself into being happy. Subconsciously, that’s what she does every time. Fake happy. Every time a good friend gets caught up with a significant other, every time they tell romantic stories, every time they get married, have kids, or celebrate an anniversary. Every time.
Looking down, she rubs her hand along her clothing. Clothes that are extremely proper. Only containing a hint of youth. Because that’s what she’s becoming: a woman.
A woman without a man.
Suddenly frustrated with her thoughts, her eyes well up with tears; she can’t stop the glare that enters her eyes.
“This was your choice!” She scolds herself. “You, and only you, decided! No dating. Only courtship! It’s what you freaking wanted!!” She pulls at her clothes. “This is what you’ve become! There’s no going back! If HE wills, you will be alone until the day you leave this earth!” Her tone leaves off just short of yelling. She breathes hard, tears escaping her eyes.
Alone.
The single word echoes inside her heart, holding eternity in it, bringing pain that she has always pushed back with it.
She sniffles, then holds her breath, biting her lip. She looks past the tears, staring at her pain, unable to look away. She wonders wearily, searching all that she knows, if that word is her destiny. The word haunts her. It mocks her. Every dream she has ever held about finding a God-fearing man somehow dissolving beneath the acid of it.
“No!” She cries out, feeling the weight of the word take over, sending her into a dark and very frightening despair. She puts out her hands and touches the cold and uncaring mirror, covering her face. She can see herself dying alone. No.
She lets out a few sobs, trying to stop it. Trying to resist the truth of her current loneliness and how it might last forever. Indeed, it would, unless God, Himself, did something.
But… He’s brought me this far…
The thought catches her off-guard, shocking her as if she had been hugged from behind. It was true. Wait. Not just true, but extremely true. Blinking back tears, she remembers. She remembers the one night at age fourteen, when she promised to let God write her love story. She remembers Him gently talking her out of finding a boy to sleep with after being shunned by so-called friends while in college. She remembers Him giving her words, attention, and affection, so she wouldn’t feel left out while her brother courted, and then married. Just maybe, He wasn’t condemning her to “alone,” maybe He was doing something she couldn’t comprehend.
Quietly, feeling her breathing slow, she removed her hands from the mirror.
Where her hands had been, her fingerprints left an almost-perfect heart.
A small smile touched her lips.
Not alone.
In a way, I agree… but that doesn’t really take away the pain of being alone.
I want kids… And it’s that age when most of my friends are having babies and sometimes I can’t even log into Facebook because all I see are their pictures… and stories… and same at work – everyone is sharing stories… and I sit, listening quietly, not able to contribute anything.
And I don’t want to be the strong one. I want to be able to be weak sometimes. And I know that God is there and He’s stronger than anyone… but He’s not physically present with me. And sometimes all I need is a real hug that you can feel.
Late at night, when I feel alone, God showed me that when I hug my favorite stuffed animal that I am really getting a hug from Him. It is just a suggestion:) Keep strong, my sista. God would not have put such longing in your heart if it was never to be filled. God is never late, but He sure does miss a lot of opportunities to be early!
He will give you the desires of your heart, or so the bible says. If it is somehow not in His will for you to be a mother, then He will fill that gap. Even when life is falling apart, you can find a contentedness in Him (and I believe that with all my heart).
I do sleep with a real cat, a stuffed cat, and a stuffed seal 🙂 The thing is – they can’t really hug me back. What helps me sometimes is remembering how mom used to sit on the side of my bed when I would be sick, so I scoot over to one side of the bed, in a way leaving space for God to sit next to me and help me fall asleep.
Thank you for encouragement, Anna. I needed to hear / read what you wrote.
Oh….Kevi, can I call you that? This was just so beautiful. And I can really relate, the feelings are all too familiar. Although I did get married at 27, I didn’t have a chance to have a life with my husband, he died too soon. I remembered wondering what in the world God had planned for me with a long life stretching before me. After years of wandering in the wilderness, I decided that I was happy single. He has brought me to a wonderful place of contentment and I know He will do the same for you, whatever His plan. His plan is always perfect!
You have a story to tell me, Lori…
I didn’t know this about you and I’m so proud of you, for remaining faithful when something so traumatic happened to you!
Our culture puts such a heavy emphasis on this dating notion. And in many ways, it sets us up for heartache — both in dating and out of dating. Good message and heartfelt honesty.
This could be part of my own testimony. I’ll be truthful, I’ve been on several dates where I wanted to be with the woman/girl, and for the first couple of minutes I was really excited/happy/joyed. But after that it was like “What I am doing here? What am I trying to prove?” Well it was years later after the last of maybe the third date that God revealed the answer to me.
I am proud of your honesty Kevi. I think a lot of ladies feel discontent and therfore start dating early. It is not right to date on feeling alone.
But hold steady to His hand. It is rare for a woman to stay pure as you have. But just like that song says, “You make all things work together for my good.”
Powerful post, bless you for sharing and for your courage.