I said my final goodbyes and began to walk out the door. As I walked through the double glass doors, tears rolled down my face. I wanted to collapse on the cement and never leave. But I pushed forward, vowing to never look back. To move on to the new life I was beginning and to put the past behind me.
As I started the engine and drove away, the tears came harder. It was much harder than I ever imagined it could be. It may have been the hardest thing I’ve ever done. You see, this place I was leaving … the place I was walking away away from … it had become my God place.
It was the place where my community lived. It was more than work. It was a way of life. It was a calling. And even though I was confident that in walking away I was answering a new call, I still felt a pain that was beyond imaginable. I guess freedom isn’t always easy.
That day was a dark one. A day full of anger and hurt. Tears and prayers. Unanswered questions.
What will my future look like? Will I be able to achieve my dreams? What if I just made a huge mistake?
But I did my best to trust and believe that Facebook status I had posted just months earlier:
Sometimes God calls us to the unknown … and doesn’t promise it will be easy, but does promise to be faithful.
I woke the next morning with tear-stained cheeks, vowing once again that I wouldn’t look back. The words to Matt Maher’s Hold Us Together were the first out of my mouth that morning when my sweet husband asked, “How are you?”
This is the first day of the rest of your life.
This is the first day of the rest of your life.
‘Cause even in the dark, you can still see the light.
It’s gonna be alright. It’s gonna be alright.
This became my theme song. The darkness got a little bit brighter. And I began to realize that I can’t leave the past behind me. The past is a part of me. It has made me who I am. I can’t walk away and never look back.
The old will never disappear. The relationships will still exist. They may look different, but they will be there. And it will be alright. God will remain faithful.
I will find a new God place. I will find a community of believers that I can thrive in. A community that will accept me for who I am and encourage me to celebrate God’s calling in my life.
But I will never forget that place or the people in that place. The place that made me who I am. The place that helped me believe in myself. The people that cheered me on and pushed me forward.
And I won’t forget how I felt the day I walked away.
I have a tendency to go off on tangents…I hope this is not one of them..
There are many truths
in your personal reflection. It is
admirable to acknowledge and understand that it is our past that has brought
through to place we are today. Not all
of our past is stellar, polished and without blemish. Yet, even in these
experiences and memories of people I have found their personal and intrinsic
value of my own character is not something I can or ought to deny. To deny or attempt to forget the value of
others is a sad attempt at self centered glorification. Frequently we lead life the in the Bondage of Regret and the Tyranny of Memory which
may be extended into
our present Search for Security Between the Invisible Walls of Our History and Limitations
to the Opportunities of His Success in Our Lives Which He has Placed In Front
of Us. Your comments remind me of the “quest”
for forgiveness, both to give and a desire
to receive. When we are enlightened to
the truths of another’s value, that they are God’s creation, and take the step
into fearful places of conversation (in His trust for our best – and with
accountability) there is a release of His own Holy Spirit in us that frees us from
those Bondages or Regrets. Our paths
into His purpose, peace and grace are illuminated in the acknowledgments of our
past and their molding of our future. In
my own recognition of those truths the clarity of His revealed purpose for me were
nurtured and strengthened. Praise God From Whom All Blessing Flow. / Your
recognition of the value of your prior place and the people of your employment is heartfelt and a
blessing for all to share in.
Andy – not a tangent at all! I love the image of a quest of forgiveness … there certainly is amazing freedom that comes from it! Thanks for sharing.
Great post. This line is how I feel too. “And I began to realize that I can’t leave the past behind me. The past
is a part of me. It has made me who I am. I can’t walk away and never
look back.” We don’t look back in a stuck sort of way…we look back because of how you said, to remind us how faithful He is. The past (good or bad) shapes us into who we are today. I often look back because looking back keeps me on my knees.
What a beautiful way of thinking of it … “looking back keeps me on my knees” … it reminds me of the Israelites in Egypt or during the Babylonian exile … we so often forget what God has done for us because we forget where we’ve been. Thanks Eileen, for this wonderful thought!
Crystal,
I know what that’s like to have a God place. And to have to walk away. You wrote this so beautifully! And I love that you used my same favorite words from Hold Us Together. Such a powerful song!
Much love to you,
Duane
Thanks Duane! This was a hard post to write, but once I started, the words just seemed to flow … raw emotion can be a powerful thing sometimes, huh?
That’s when writing is the best….
So very true!!
I’m so thankful for your writing friendship 🙂
oh wow Crystal honey.. i have so been there one too many times and have had to walk away.. this just spoke to my heart so much and blessed me beyond belief as you spoke the words i have never been able to speak
Oh Julie thank you! I am so glad you found yourself blessed through this piece. Thanks for stopping by and saying hi!
This is good dude,you know it has also moved some tears from my eyes,as i write am holding back because of many dissapointments we often come across especially when you have given yourself to certain services and then the hands of men destroy the progress such that there is nothing you can do to start again.But i have this one thing to say ,lets use the stones thrown by our enemies at us to build a wall such that they cant reach us anymore.
Shalom.
Thomas – thank you for this beautiful comment. Disappointment and hurt are such true emotions, and ones that I think we don’t talk about enough. Shalom to you as well!
I dont know your situation or what – or who – you walked away from.
There is a difference between walking and running away, and I feel you have come to grips with that. Maybe someday, you can return with a whole different perspective
Ha Crystal, I love how you wrote this. Beautiful. And funny enough after the hard winds of the past few months, I know i have to walk away too. It’s my God place but you just breathed on me a blast of fresh air for the journey ahead through this. I think i’m ready for the journey. Thank God for you 🙂