It was a question I couldn’t answer as much as I pondered it over a series of days, leading to weeks: “When did you first realize that you had become a grown-up?”.
Although I am one – a grown-up – the question posed in Real Simple Magazine’s Essay Contest two years ago proved to be harder to answer than I realized. Unfortunately, the answer came two years too late.
The realization arrived with a phone call every parent hopes they won’t get. A midnight phone call answered in a sleepy fog from my teenage daughter screaming, “I’m so sorry Mommy.” The engine of her car is sheared off by a semi. Minutes later I’m standing in those metal bits strewn over an empty highway hovered in a disco of flashing lights, praying I’ll wake up from the nightmare.
And it’s not the trauma or the shock that forces the grown-up in you to sprout like Jack’s magic beans, it’s the realization that you’ve been one all along and didn’t believe it. Until God removes all the props that made the child in you feel safe. And stuck.
My husband was asleep in a hotel room thousands of miles away when I got that call. On any other day, he would be the one talking to the emergency workers, calling the shots, driving us an hour away to the trauma center behind the ambulance carrying her body strapped to a gurney. But this wasn’t any other day.
It was the day I realized I had become a grown-up. The day my daughter came within an inch of her life and walked away.
But being a grown-up isn’t just about handling the hard stuff.
Last week, I stood behind the bar in the kitchen pushing a knife through lettuce on a glass cutting board, lost in chapters of my own thinking. My daughter’s whining across the room about a homework assignment pulled the string on the bucket of thoughts dangling in the well back up to the surface. And our conversation spilled revelation all over the counter.
Wiping my hands on a paper towel, I glanced over at her legs folded at the knees like a tent, feet on the coffee table, computer in her lap and asked, “What’s wrong.”
“This test isn’t accurate,” she scoffed, “my percentage on Mathematical is low and that is my best subject.”
She was taking a computerized test, an assignment from a teacher to determine her learning style. The results made her feel misunderstood. She asked me if I wanted to take it. So I agreed.
As I placed chicken breasts in the skillet and watched grease sputter spots on the stove, she read each question. And it wasn’t the results that surprised me, it was the way I answered the questions. Blurted fast and confident, without hesitation.
Revelation comes at the most unexpected times.
I realized that all the writing and blogging I’d done since that contest two years ago was more for me than my readers. Because not only had I become a grown-up, I’d become a grown-up who discovered her identity by practicing.
Because sometimes it isn’t the big things in life that shape us as much as the everyday clumps of faithful moments that build the nest of who we are. And one day, when you are lost in the minutiae of building your life, God does something to turn your head; a realization that the birth of who you’ve been waiting to become, is already standing in your shoes.
My essay got chosen and published at Real Simple after all. For a blog contest with the prompt asking, “Who are you most surprised to be friends with?”. That question, it was much easier to answer.
When did you first realize you had become a grown-up?
When I finish growing up, I want to be like you: confident in who I am because I’ve leaned on Christ. (And having time to write and write….)
Don’t let me fool you into thinking I’ve arrived Laura, I still have lots of growing room. I’m sure of that. And I have to fight for the time to write, just like you do. So grateful you stopped by, thank you.
So much wisdom in this line: “a grown-up who discovered her identity by practicing.”
I wrote about the concept of being a grown up for A Deeper Family earlier this month. As much as I’ve known we’ll never really “feel” our age, I hadn’t realized how much I associated certain markers with adulthood, like marriage or owning a house. While I was home for Christmas, I had a few conversations with friends and realized even if they were married or parents, they didn’t feel like grown ups either. It’s something I should have known so long ago but I didn’t.
Growing up isn’t so much about circumstance as we once thought is it Leigh? It’s about a place we arrival in the heart, a deep sense of knowing who we are in the eyes of God. And that only comes with practicing truth.
Hi Shelly…I guess I first realized I was a grown-up, sort of, when I brought my infant son home from hospital. Suddenly I was on my own, (with husband’s help), but he didn’t know what he was doing any more than I did! To be quite suddenly RESPONSIBLE for someone other than myself, was very sobering. I began to look at my life differently that day. Suddenly, it wasn’t ‘all about me’ anymore, but all about Nathan. Our life revolved around him. Best investment in ‘adulthood’ I ever made. I guess that’s probably why I wish my kids would hurry up and give me a grandchild—so they can stop wallowing in self and get a revelation about investing in someone else! 😀
I know what you are saying here Jillie, but to be honest, I think I felt forced into being a grown-up when I had kids. I still felt like a child finding her way deep inside. But you are right, the opportunity to focus outside of ourselves gives us perspective and practice on what it means to be a grown-up – incapable in our own strenght, capable when abandoned to Christ who lives in and through us.
Awesome job. I love this. Not only have you grown up but your writing has as well. So articulate and relevant. Great!!
Thanks for being with me from the beginning Leslie. What a gift you are. You are a reminder that there are no chance meetings with people in this life.
I spent years living an emotionally delayed life. I write about this in my memoir blog, but as to your question, the first time I felt like I was a grown-up actually came some time after I became the matriarch of our small family at 34-years-old. I felt bad that I didn’t feel like a grown-up yet. I felt like an orphan instead. Feeling like a grown-up happened the first time I made a decision that for me was based on what was best, no matter how much it hurt or how inconvenienced I felt. It felt like wisdom. It felt grown-up.
Yes, that is such a good example. When we have to make decisions based on what we must do versus what we want to do. Love that.
Shelly I know since you are grown up and don’t have time for B S (is that okay over here? )To tell you the truth, I worried about you as you practiced over the past year or so, that it was too much even though I loved what I saw God doing in you. I love this explanation on practicing and I love the determination in which you have done it. I know it has been costly at times, very costly. But what fruit it has yielded— the results of a life that has cultivated her calling. There’s more fruit to come and I love that you are standing confident with your grown-up understanding of your life and calling. (BTW, I always feel like a little girl around my very daddy.) Bravo, on the being a editor here !
Oh my Dea, worried? I guess perhaps I was too honest at times but I was willing to risk my own frailty in order to practice and learn and be a grown-up. Glad you’ve stuck with me, your encouragement carried me on many of those dark days. Thanks!
Maybe worried is too strong 🙂 I guess was wondering about the pace at which you were taking your calling but I see that you were in “training” of sorts. Like getting ready for a race.. and I think you have taught me something in that that I really need at this point in my own journey. Thank you so much my friend.
Love that training analogy, its a good one.
Its funny, I never felt like a grown up, until my children were finally grown and out of the house. That is when I realized that maturity had occured. God helped me grow up, when I wasnt looking at helping myself, but when I was caring for others
Diane, your comment seems to be a sacred echo here. And it’s helping me see better as a parent. That perhaps the best way for our children to grow up is to be outward focused.
thank you. it is so comforting to be reminded that while we are going about the everyday faithfulness to the little, god is making us in to who He intends us to be, even if it doesn’t feel like it!
Kelly, it’s the little glimpses we get of the progress we’ve made along the way without noticing, that give hope to continue. All those moments adding up to one wonderful life.
I am reading Interior Castle by Teresa of Avila right now and in it she talks about how important self-knowledge is. In fact, she says, it is so important, “I should like you never relax your cultivation of it.” Blogging does this for me too, Shelly. Congratulations on your essay being chosen! That doesn’t surprise me one bit 🙂
I have that book but haven’t read it all yet. Perhaps you mentioning it is a nudge Laura. I used to think that when people made the comment, “you are writing for you” that it was a polite way of saying, “your writing sucks”. Now I know the truth of what that means and it’s the deepest kind of truth. Truth that sets you free to become fully who God creates you to be. I can’t think of a more generous gift. Can you? (and thanks regarding the essay, that was over a year ago and such a big surprise.)
Beautiful article! I’m not sure I’ve arrived at being a grown up yet. I feel like I have so much still to learn. I am discovering my identity by practicing.
I think we are all on the road of discovery Barbie. Let’s practice together friend, shall we?
Shelly, this is so lovely! But what if you haven’t yet had the realization that you’re a grown up?..:) I am so proud of you and your work and your heart and your smile and your friendship. How’d I get so lucky to “meet” you?
The great news is that we are always His children, growing up into who He wants us to be with the only expectation being love. We will always be His children. And the feeling is mutual Heather, I feel the same way about you.
I guess you could say that it happened in the last two weeks, when I realized I’d been wrong about everything.
Maybe not everything Megan, but I’m glad you had the epiphany in the snow that day. And may He continue to unfold the revelation for you and all of us, where our view has been distorted.
I’ve got it in bold, black strokes, covering the top third of the white board in my kitchen:
“What’s naming you?”
(because i’m just crazy enough to jot notes that speak to me like that all over my house and . . . ) Because all I can think about these days is that identity thang and how I’ve let relationships and abilities and hobbies and success and failure prescribe my name all my frickin life.
So who am I *really*?
Maybe the answer has something to do with growing up, eh?
And I don’t know if I can say I know the answer yet, but I can say one thing: I am not afraid. Not afraid to find out and not afraid if it takes a few more laps around the sun to discover. I know that I am loved. And maybe that is enough for every day until I do finally “grow up.”
This was engaging and provocative, Shelly. (And *right* where I’m at today.) Thanks!
And congrats on your new position!
Love every single thing you said here Kelli. I’m so glad you are joining the writing team at Living the Story because of thoughts like this. I think you are pretty awesome.
“The birth of who you have become is standing in your shoes” is so true. I don’t think we ever feel any different behind the numbers that keep rolling by! I think that feeling grown up is such a long evolution that it is only the disappearance of generations before us and that realization that bring us to the reality. Love your reference to the nest of life………another analogy that is unmistakable!
I think you are right Paula. So happy to see you here in the comments.
Shelly… this is the first of your writings I’ve read… and I must say – you’ve blown me away. To sit and wonder “am I a grown-up?” I don’t want to wonder, as I’ve been – I’m in a major depression right now & feel as though I’ve done everything wrong. I stopped blogging, I’ve stopped going out, there is no community around me any longer – so NO, I’m not grown-up – I’m starting over once again.
Loved the analogy shared of realization once our children are grown – when do we consider them grown? As I have an 18 year old whom recently graduated as a Marine and is still in some training. But does that make him “grown-up?” NO… he’s still learning, and love that God allows us to learn as we go, He loves us through our stumbles as He picks us up to keep on going. And I turn back to say, I still have another child to continue to raise (11 y/o) with my husband (whom I’m SO thankful for, even though we have our moments). This depression needs to go, I’m climbing out of this pit – it’s a huge pit to conquer, and with God’s help – I conquer it & grow up some more.
Hugs, Heather
Heather, I had a dark year of the soul myself recently and have just seen the crack of light in the door to hope as it welcomed the new year. I’m sorry you are going through major depression right now. There is redemption and restoration waiting around every corner, I know it to be true in my life. Praying it will be true in yours, sooner than later. You do have to fight for it and its worth it.Thanks for leaving a comment here.
It’s surprising to face things and life and realize that God has prepared you for that moment, that you are the grown up you’d hope you would be. And this, “Because sometimes it isn’t the big things in life that shape us as much as the everyday clumps of faithful moments that build the nest of who we are.” So very true. Loved this, Shelly!
I think we often make things harder, more complicated than they need to be . . .at least I do. Most of my realizations have come on the heels of realizing that what I was aiming for was already right in front of me. Thanks for stopping by Christina, appreciate you.
How did I miss this–you becoming an editor and an official Dude?
I am watching as my daughter, about to have her first baby, is wrestling with this becoming a grown-up. It’s hard to learn and it’s hard to watch, and I think you’re right–it comes little-by-little as we practice.
I realized that Nancy when I compared my answers to my daughters on that test. She is just beginning and I can’t expect her to be where I am. It was a good lesson, that random moment while I was making dinner. So excited for you as you journey with your daughter and become a grandma.
I’m still growing into myself, still getting to know myself, even now that my children are in their 20s–and I was older when we adopted them.
But when my mom died barely over a year ago, I realized I was now the family matriarch…
It’s funny isn’t it, how when we are younger, we assume being grown up inside comes with age? It’s perhaps one of the greatest fallacies we believe as children, but don’t discover until we mature.