My husband says that I do too much.
I called him one day to talk to him about leading a church baseball team. It was only a one day commitment, and I really wanted to play baseball at the church picnic. His response: “You do too much.”
Last summer’s burn out caused him and I to make a deal. If I take on too much, he tells me no. Our former pastor once said he and his wife had that same deal. Sometimes, our former pastor had to tell his wife no in a ministry. Last Summer, I wanted so badly to help out our pastors and fill in areas that didn’t have any volunteers that I said yes. I took on things God didn’t mean for me to take on and that interfered with the careful balance in my life.
Not only was I setting up for one of our church services, tearing it down, running greeters, and leading prayer team for that service, I hosted a Fellowship Group. I also ran a ministry outside the church. Then, there’s my second full-time job, writing, that on top of everything caused me to experience massive burn-out. The burn-out caused me to stop worshipping in church until one day frustrations typical of ministry caused my husband and I to abstain from church and walk over to a coffee shop instead where we could read the Bible and relax.
Overcoming yes is a common problem.
People leave churches sometimes because they can’t say no. Without learning how to say no, typical, trivial ministry problems become massive, unresolvable issues. Not only did my burn-out affect me, but it affected my husband who helped me do all these things. The burn out obstructed me from worshipping God on Sunday. And yet, when you work at a church, Sunday often feels like another day.
In letting go of unnecessary ministries without dropping the burden on the pastors, I realized that Sunday can never be a time that I can worship. So I learned how to worship differently. I worship God every day by committing myself to prayer, reading the Bible, and most of the time, I use my drive time to work as time to commune with God. The worship music plays on the radio and I let the faces of those on my prayer list float before my mind’s eye. I worship Him when I write blogs, stories, and I worship Him when I hike or run or workout. On Sunday, I come with my mind-set on serving. I also take two Sunday’s off a month because it’s the only day off my husband and I have together.
It’s been a huge change for me.
I like serving and I enjoy what I do. Everything that happens in my life has transformed me. I found if I let God use the difficulties (even when they are self-created) in my life to make me a better person, He usually shows up. This is the church where I am called to serve, and I am learning to say no where appropriate. I am learning how to create healthy boundaries in my life.
Describe a time when you burned out. How did you resolve it? Are you a “yes” person?
Oh my. This reminds me of me years ago when I was teaching and leading and singing and drowning. And then my husband was asked to move. Pick up and move to another state. I went kicking and screaming–because who would do everything I was doing? I was indispensable. And I’d be a nobody where we were going. I found out that life in church went on without me. And that my saying no (even not by choice–though I was secretly, in the depths of me, relieved–it gave someone else an opportunity to serve. And there was that thought that perhaps I had been stealing that from them all along… (And that if nobody else felt called, maybe that particular ministry wasn’t God-ordained after all…)
Amen, Sandra. Yeah, it’s been so nice. I’m less stressed and less worried about what others aren’t doing.
Oh Nikole, you hit it right on the head. You don’t have to attend church to worship…besides that, serving is an act of worship all on it’s own. When we are serving others at church and at home, God will give us other times, many times when we least expect it, to worship. Believe it or not, I have had my best worship times vaccuming! But you are right, we need to learn to say no to avoid the burnout! Lori
Thanks, Lori! :o) Yes, it took me a bit to realize that I needed to re-think church.
After being involved in the same church for years, we’ve stepped away to find a new place. And in this interim, I find I’m much less busy…and much less stressed. I know this is a season, but I hope when we do establish new roots elsewhere, that I’ll be able to “overcome yes” and establish healthy boundaries. Great words, Nikki.
I’ve been thinking a lot about this lately as we get ready for back-to-school and all the many volunteer opportunities that will soon be coming my way. I have done the “too much yes” thing and paid the price for that, but I think now I’ve gone too far in the other direction. I’m afraid of the burn-out to the point where I don’t even consider saying “yes,” and as a result, feel a bit distant and disenfranchised from the community. The problem is that we all seem to be at the extremes: there are those who always step up, often from a place of obligation or guilt or just because nobody else will. And there are those who never do. If everyone was willing to their part and do it from a place of service or “calling,” it would all get done and nobody would get burned out. That, of course, is likely to never happen, and “perfect” balance will probably forever be elusive. So the best we can do is be open to God guiding us where He needs us, and do what we need to do so that if and when that guidance comes we’re able to give from a place of fullness.
Thank you for this insightful post.
It has taken many years for me to be comfortable with saying no. I have learned other phrases to say no…like “I’d rather not.” “I have an appointment then.” Another thing I do, since I also serve at church on Sunday…I take another day as my Sabbath day…I enjoy the privelege of setting my own schedule, so I choose Monday to just stay home…no errands, no appts, no friends…just me and a cup a coffee and God. Thanks for being real and admitting how energy depleting it can be if we say yes to everything!