[fatherless generation] chapter 3: midnight sons and daughters

Written by Kevin DeShazo

Kevin is a husband to Megan, dad to Gabe (and one on the way), coffee lover and blogger. He blogs at DadLife.net and is the President of Element Healthcare Staffing. He lives in Oklahoma City with his family. His mom still sends him Reese's on Valentine's Day. Feel free to do the same.

March 25, 2011


The fallout from fatherlessness is more than an individual tragedy.  It impacts more than the fractured family, the single mother and her children.  Fatherlessness is a catastrophic wreck that is poisoning our families, communities, and nation.  No one remains unaffected.

It’s easy for me not to acknowledge this issue of fatherlessness.  I can simply shrug it aside as a problem of “poor black people.”  And if you want the truth, that’s mostly how I perceived the issue. ::insert judgement::

I have a dad.  A dad that was there when I was growing up.  A dad that’s still there today when I need business advice, parenting advice.  Sure, he didn’t come to all of my basketball games or teach me how to rebuild a ’57 Chevy, and I may not always go to him when I need advice.  But he was and is available.  For a wealthy kid from the burbs, I didn’t see fatherlessness as my problem.

If I’m completely honest, I wish I could ignore the fatherlessness issue.  Ignorance requires no action.

Fortunately, my eyes have been opened.  And I realize we are surrounded.  We are being engulfed and overtaken.  We are being eaten alive.  By a fatherless generation.  As David Blankenhorn puts it:

Fatherlessness is the most harmful demographic trend of this generation….It is also the engine driving our most urgent social problems…

Youth suicide (63%)
Teen pregnancy (71%)
Homeless/Runaway children (90%)
Children with behavioral disorders (85%)
High School dropouts (71%)
Imprisoned youth (85%)

The common denominator here?  Fatherlessness.

And it’s not their problem.  It’s ours.  And it costs us $112 billion annually.  Still think it’s their problem?

Everywhere we look, people are carrying this unseen weight, this burden, of fatherlessness.  This shadow that seems to lurk over their shoulders.  It creates an unspoken agenda.  Working 60 hours per week to earn a promotion?  That person might just be trying to please a Dad that isn’t there.  Thinking “If only he could see me, he would be so proud.”  Tim, your neighbor down the street, who knocked out grad school and is now kicking law school in the face?  He’s hoping Dad will be impressed enough that he’ll come back around.  That he will finally be worthy enough of his Dad’s nearness.

Because that’s what they’re looking for.  Dad to be near.

Proximity is our contstant urge to be close to Dad, to touch his beard and to hold his attention.  It is a primal desire that we never outgrow.  More than doing and performing, we long to be near him. (Emphasis mine)

There is a void that needs to be filled.  A nearness that is far away.  And a fatherless generation is filling it with whatever substitute they can find.

If you are like me, you are mad.  Mad at the statistics, mad at the cost, mad at the fathers that abandon their kids, mad at the pain they cause.  Mad at your own ignorance and bias towards this issue.  I think that’s ok.  But we have to turn that anger into passion.  And that passion into action.

Most states, when planning for future numbers of prison beds, base it on the reading level of current 4th graders (re-read that statement).  Here in Oklahoma City, a group of us has gotten involved in some reading/tutoring for a local elementary, rated as the 2nd worst in the OKC school district.  The amount of 3rd graders reading at level?  0%.


That number breaks me.  When we walk into that cafeteria each week, I don’t see a bunch of future killers, thieves, rapists, drug dealers.  I see kids full of hope.  Dreams.  Life.  I see a kid wearing a Kevin Durant jersey who, when asked what grade he is in, confidently answers, “I’m in Kindergarten!  I’m going to be President some day.”

It’s on me to show up every week to make sure he always believes he’s capable of that.



  1. Jay Cookingham

    Excellent post Kevin, this where my heart is. I grew up in an abusive home and know the effects of having no father to look up too. Thankfully Father God took over that role and blessed me with a wonderful wife and seven wonderful kids. I want to see men set free to be the dads they can in Christ, I desire to see children given the permission to dream and helped in those dreams.

    Thanks for sharing bro’…I’m with ya!

    • Anonymous

      Thanks for the kind words Jay – much appreciated! Love the “desire to see children given the permission to dream..” quote. Strong stuff.

  2. Matthew

    Awesome stuff brother. Keep up the good writing. Also make sure you are the father your kids need. Myself, with three girls in tow, I try harder everyday for them!

    Love it man!

    • Anonymous

      Thanks man. And totally, totally agree. Does no good to be a father to the fatherless if we don’t father our own as well. Wow, how many times can I throw “father” into a sentence?

  3. Anonymous

    Wow. Kevin, this is an incredible post. Loved the honesty – and I think the most important concept you cover is the issue of proximity. The nearness of dad…so, so important. I love that you’re buying into it through mentorship in OKC.

    • Anonymous

      Thanks Nicole! We have some great leaders in OKC that are doing some awesome stuff.

  4. Seth M Haines


    I’m glad to read your thoughts here, glad to see the chapters working on you too. You’ve done good work here and I’m better for having read here today.

    Thanks, man.

    • Anonymous

      Thanks man. Really appreciate that.

  5. Jim

    Hi Kevin–what a great read and so true. I too have a great interest in helping fathers out there, who have not assumed their place in their sons life, to do so–yesterday. What are they waiting for. I think that the one aspect that you hadn’t mentioned that concerns me is the sense of entitlement. Young men seem to feel they are owed something because of what has happened to them in their lives so far. It runs through young men like a cancer now and it will only become worse. I’m not trying to be doom and gloom here–I believe there is hope but it means that fathers must take responsibility to teach their sons how to live as a man in the world today and do it with respect and dignity. I look forward to follwoing along with your journey into this vital topic.

    Jim, Author
    “A Man’s Work Is Never Done: A Novel About Mentoring Our Sons”
    (Web Page-lifechoice.ca)

    • Jim

      Just to point out that Jim’s web page is not ‘page-lifechoice.ca’ but rather just
      lifechoice.ca          there is no ‘page’connected to it–thanks


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[fatherless generation] chapter 3: midnight sons and daughters

by Kevin DeShazo time to read: 3 min