“Please Lord.” I pray as I step on the scale.

I expect a little gain today. I’ve plateaued, but yesterday we went out to eat. Every time I go out to eat I gain. It’s either real gain or sodium gain (which goes away the next morning), but even the sodium gain though temporary is discouraging.

I’ve lost 44 pounds since Dec, 2009 and a lot of inches. I do weights, cardio and yoga, working out five times a week for nearly an hour. I try to walk once a week. Every morsel that goes into my mouth I think of the calories, but I don’t diet. No, it’s a lifestyle change. I still have my treats, but not nearly as often as once I did, and it’s working. I know it could work faster if I dieted, but then I wouldn’t learn the lesson of discipline. Slower weight loss means I keep it off and not gain it all back again eating normal food.

Each week it’s predictable that I double-check the tag on the inside of my pants. I can’t believe I am a size 12 again—average. I’m still overweight, but not nearly as much, and some are even shocked at the loss. My doctor is pleased. She says even if I don’t lose any more weight that I look good. I should be happy.

I am happy. I am afraid. I don’t want to be that stressed out, misshapen and obese girl I once was ever again. I don’t want this waistline to grow. People like to put statuses on their Facebook about how they are beautiful as they are; and yes, they are; but that’s just an excuse to not try to lose weight. It’s further reason in their minds to quit as they eat themselves into the grave. Some even pass on their bad habits to their children and as their children grow fat, history repeats, and they, too, go into an early grave as adults. So why aren’t we trying?

Because we think it’s not possible. We think our weight is so much so that we can’t get it off. This is who we are, say the lies. You have to believe you can do it for weight loss to happen. I, too, thought my obesity wouldn’t come off. I didn’t even try. I didn’t want to fail. Perhaps I didn’t want the toxic people I hung around with to beat me down further if I failed.

44 pounds later I am happier, energetic and healthier. It’s because I didn’t like the me I saw in the mirror. There’s nothing wrong with that. If we buy into the insipid thought process that we should love ourselves in the mirror no matter our size, then we lose. Our families lose. Our health plummets. We should take better care of the bodies God gave to us. We should go to God instead of food. Food can become an idol.


When do you make food an idol and why? Are you ready to change?

i am afraid

by Nikole Hahn time to read: 3 min