i am afraid

Written by Nikole Hahn

Nikole Hahn is a recovering perfectionist blogging at "Life Upside Down" at www.thehahnhuntinglodge.com. She is also the publisher of The Relevant Christian Magazine (@TRCMagazine). She is a member of Word Weavers International, a book reviewer, writer, and coffee addict.

September 16, 2011

“Please Lord.” I pray as I step on the scale.

I expect a little gain today. I’ve plateaued, but yesterday we went out to eat. Every time I go out to eat I gain. It’s either real gain or sodium gain (which goes away the next morning), but even the sodium gain though temporary is discouraging.

I’ve lost 44 pounds since Dec, 2009 and a lot of inches. I do weights, cardio and yoga, working out five times a week for nearly an hour. I try to walk once a week. Every morsel that goes into my mouth I think of the calories, but I don’t diet. No, it’s a lifestyle change. I still have my treats, but not nearly as often as once I did, and it’s working. I know it could work faster if I dieted, but then I wouldn’t learn the lesson of discipline. Slower weight loss means I keep it off and not gain it all back again eating normal food.

Each week it’s predictable that I double-check the tag on the inside of my pants. I can’t believe I am a size 12 again—average. I’m still overweight, but not nearly as much, and some are even shocked at the loss. My doctor is pleased. She says even if I don’t lose any more weight that I look good. I should be happy.

I am happy. I am afraid. I don’t want to be that stressed out, misshapen and obese girl I once was ever again. I don’t want this waistline to grow. People like to put statuses on their Facebook about how they are beautiful as they are; and yes, they are; but that’s just an excuse to not try to lose weight. It’s further reason in their minds to quit as they eat themselves into the grave. Some even pass on their bad habits to their children and as their children grow fat, history repeats, and they, too, go into an early grave as adults. So why aren’t we trying?

Because we think it’s not possible. We think our weight is so much so that we can’t get it off. This is who we are, say the lies. You have to believe you can do it for weight loss to happen. I, too, thought my obesity wouldn’t come off. I didn’t even try. I didn’t want to fail. Perhaps I didn’t want the toxic people I hung around with to beat me down further if I failed.

44 pounds later I am happier, energetic and healthier. It’s because I didn’t like the me I saw in the mirror. There’s nothing wrong with that. If we buy into the insipid thought process that we should love ourselves in the mirror no matter our size, then we lose. Our families lose. Our health plummets. We should take better care of the bodies God gave to us. We should go to God instead of food. Food can become an idol.


When do you make food an idol and why? Are you ready to change?


  1. Ann Kroeker

    Nikole, thank you for this post. I am mother to three teen girls, and I have been careful not to talk about my weight at all, for over a decade. My fear was that the girls would tumble into an eating disorder if I talked about my appearance in terms of weight, so I only talked in terms of eating healthy and being fit. Until three months ago, I didn’t even own bathroom scales.

    But the weight crept on last winter more than usual. I was ill and had to go to the doctor, and when I stepped on the scale I was surprised. I knew that I needed to get the weight off and that, too, would be important to model. So I broke down and bought scales to use at home and started watching portions, etc.

    I’m just thinking out loud, but your point about the mindset we pass on to the kids is making me think.

    Thank you for writing this.

  2. B Gorinski

    This is great Nikole. I love what you said about the lifestyle change, going slowly, thinking in terms of months and years instead of weeks. You truly are doing great…doing it right!


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i am afraid

by Nikole Hahn time to read: 3 min