The boy has a home, yet he’s homeless.
He sits at my parent’s dining room table with long, gangly legs resting on another chair in front of him. This is the most relaxed I’ve seen him.
When he glances my way, his eyes bleed wariness, like he doesn’t trust me and surprisingly I see myself; my 17-year-old self.
Time seems stuck and I crack peanuts on the counter, wishing I knew what to say to him, but I don’t, so we chit-chat instead about his plans for the day, about when he’s going to the gym, about his sister who’s living in Africa.
The tone of his voice tells me she’s the preferred child, or at least he feels that way and I dream of telling his parents a few things; dream of telling them something from a former rebellious boy unwilling to listen to my parents and to God and just so awfully tired of trying to be who my parents wanted me to be.
“Imagine a marionette,” I’d tell them, sinking into their couch. “You know, the puppet controlled by strings.”
“Right now, your son is floundering. Unwilling to listen to you, unwilling to listen to God, he’s at the end of those strings just swinging his feet and trying to find his footing. And all he needs at this point is for you to stop lecturing, stop the disapproving looks, stop noticing his faults. Let go of the strings you try to manipulate your son with. Better yet, hand them over to God. All you need to do, all your child wants you to do, is just to hold him tight. Notice the good, focus on the improvement, hold your arm around him with love… and when your son is steady, God will start to move the strings from above. Because when Heaven reaches for Earth, and when Earth reaches for Heaven, everything changes. Never doubt that.”
“I was just like your son,” I’d tell them, “I was so tired of always being told and I remember the night like it was yesterday, when my mom came down to my room in the basement and she was crying. And how she admitted she didn’t have the answers anymore; that she didn’t feel like a good parent and felt God was asking her to apologize to me. And would I forgive her?”
“It was all so new to me, and I remember the way I wrapped my arms around her and we cried and completely forgot about praying but there we were, just two of God’s children, limping out of the darkness toward the Light.”
“Your son just needs you to join him in the darkness.”
I dream of saying these things so I leave the cracked peanuts on the counter and find a pen and paper, instead, and scribble them to you.
“Just join him in the darkness.” Oh. Wow.
Thank you for stopping by so early, Sandra… before I was even out of bed!
The early squirrel gets the choice acorns, right? Anyway, there’s so much we did wrong with our oldest, but are so glad we entered the darkness. God’s still doing His work. Never a path I would have chosen to walk, but the story is still in progress. 🙂
I would love to hear the whole story, sometime.
Ah, such wisdom, MD. And a beautiful heart too.
Laura,
How are you!? I haven’t talked to you in… forever.
🙂 I know, I know! I keep up with you on FB, but am mostly quiet these days. Life travels at breakneck speed and I am so conscious of the dwindling time with my boys. in RL has taken a lot of time lately, and that’s good. But I do think of you often and try to spy on you occasionally :). Hugs, my friend. You are doing good things.
Perfectly captured the angst so many teens and parents feel. I remember those times SOOO well. I can’t imagine parents and kids trying to breach that gulf with all that space in between and nobody wanting to make the first move because they don’t even know how.
“because they don’t even know how”.
Yes! I’m convinced so many parents just don’t. know. how. And they want to do what’s best but it just doesn’t work. With this situation, that’s how it looks. The parents have tried everything short of putting him in restraints. They’ve bargained, black-mailed, manipulated and I’m convinced they’re just at their wits end.
I wish there was something I could do.
Oh heartbreaking. So many are going through it….
Thankfully, when I want to react, my husband responds in love, always that, when it comes to navigating the teen years. And my kids aren’t rebellious but I’ve learned so much about my own soul from his responses when there is angst or anger or shirking responsibility. It is so hard to know when to step through all those barriers, you captured this moment in a beautiful way Duane . . . as usual.
Thank you, Shelly, for coming by. And when or if I’m a parent, I’ll call your husband for advice. 🙂
Great word. The preferred child. It’s too bad that kind of treatment doesn’t end into adulthood. We still deal with it and it’s ridiculous and instead of the parents wanting faith for their child, they want the faith to end so we are more like they are. Great story. Lots to think about and contemplate from it. Thanks, Duane!
Blessings,
Mel
Please feel free to stop by: Trailing After God
Mel,
I’m sorry you’re dealing with that! Or maybe you aren’t? But in your words, it felt like you were talking from personal experience.
I’m so thankful that I’m good friends with my parents, now.
Oh this is just beautiful…to enter into the darkness…I have not experienced a rebellious child…but even when they struggle…all the questioning…pushing against the boundaries…parent out of love not fear…and let them see we are not afraid. When kids see parents are afraid…it shrinks their view of God…we need walk in freedom of fear with our kids…so they can get a glimpse of God’s love and how big He is:) great words here…your writing blesses me~
I think half the time parents see their children doing things that are self-destructive, the parent’s normal reaction is fear.
I know I would be, so I’ll tuck this in my hat for the future… if I ever have kids myself. 🙂
“we need walk in freedom of fear with our kids…so they can get a glimpse of God’s love and how big He is”
This is so true. A rebellious child is afraid, even it’s just that he’s not loved. He needs to know that God meets us wherever we are, that his love reaches across all our confusion.
Bless you for sharing these words Duane… They are so true. I remember my eldest daughter telling me to relax as a parent – that I worried to much. You see, I didn’t want her going through what I went through and she wasn’t and wouldn’t, so I did, relax as little that is 🙂 Hugs are miracle workers. Have a wonderful day.
I have raised a rebellious child – it’s where I learned to ask God to just “be” with us, to let me see this son how He sees this son, and where I learned to live unconditinal love. It took this son graduating from high school, being on his own, responsibile for the day-to-day, to walk his own walk to let go of the rebellion – the fighting urge to be independent. My question would be – when does a parent say, “O.K. – don’t do your work. Skip high school. Flunk out. Go ahead – get involved in things that you shouldn’t” – at what point is it unhealthy manipulation and at what point is it hard-love trying to keep that young adult from self-destruction?
You are right, though – unconditional love joins them in the darkness – and loves them there!
Because when Heaven reaches for Earth, and when Earth reaches for Heaven, everything changes. Never doubt that – you are so very wise, with His wisdom!
Bravo, Scott….bravo.
I did not mother a rebellious child, but my mother did.
This is so, so real. Thank you, Duane.
I loved reading this and the comments. What an encouragement! I have raised one very rebellious daughter and “Heaven reached for Earth and Earth reached for Heaven, and everything changed”! I don’t doubt it, because I have seen it. I have seen God do exceedingly, abundantly, beyond all I could have asked or imagined in my baby’s life. Once I let go. Once I simply just loved her. It gives me strength for my two sons, who I wouldn’t necessarily call rebellious; more like apathetic to the things of God. Beautiful, Duane…just beautiful.
Duane, Beautifully said. Thank you for this. Remembering that I’m a recipient of unconditional and undeserved love gives me courage to step out of my own fear and hurt to offer my child the same.
Wonderful statement, Bridget!
“Remembering that I’m a recipient of unconditional and undeserved love
gives me courage to step out of my own fear and hurt to offer my child
the same.”
The best advice a parent could hear and take to heart. Beautiful!
I love your writing, but I have a problem with this post. It seems you are insinuating the parents are at fault. We had a wonderful, very close knit family until we moved. When our first child became 18, he left family, church, God, and a free 4 yr. college education. That was 6 years ago. He was very loved, participated in many things, had lots of friends, we taught, guided, and led him with nothing but love. We shared in good, fun times for years. He was successful in everything he did, not because we pushed him, but because that is what he wanted. He then chose to make bad decisions , joining people who made bad decisions and later on left with them. There are no strings of manipulation here. We don’t know what we would ask forgivness for, but we would do it in a heartbeat if given the chance, if that would help. We would do anything to have our son back, happy and healthy. We have given him to the Lord and trust that He is working in our son’s life.
I just don’t like it when it is assumed that the parents are guilty. That is not always the case.
Please forgive me if I spoke out of line. I just felt I needed to say this,
Please don’t just listen to one side. . .hear the other also.
Will continue to read here, I do love your place!
Always on my knees~
First of all, Kris, THANK YOU for being willing to share this with me. Reading over the post, I can definitely see how it appears as though I’m blaming the parents.
What I didn’t say is in this young boy and when I was a boy, it was most definitely our fault too.
Trust me, I had many things I needed I learn.
I guess what I would say is this: First of all, I appreciate this comment because it adds depth to this post and to situations others might be facing. Secondly, I wrote this post more as a way for parents to bridge the gap and to understand better, maybe, why and how their child is feeling. It’s not about who is right or wrong but a way to connect the two sides.
I’m typing this from my phone so I have no clue if I’m making sense but I am so, so sorry for your situation and I said a prayer that God will move.
If there’s anything else I can help with, or you’d like to help me with, let me know.
I love learning from others…
Blessings,
DS
I printed this out to read again and again. And my son is only 8.
This is so true in many, many areas…” Better yet, hand them over to God. All you need to do, all your child wants you to do, is just to hold him tight. Notice the good, focus on the improvement, hold your arm around him with love… and when your son is steady, God will start to move the strings from above. Because when Heaven reaches for Earth, and when Earth reaches for Heaven, everything changes. Never doubt that.” ”
I have a son in prison and a child in heaven….and 3 here doing well (one is married and pregnant!!)
This is beautifully done, Duane. Learning to let go of our kids is tough, tough, tough. But I do believe it’s the only way through and forward. Glad he has you for a friend – that will help. Maybe you could arrange for someone to ‘anonymously’ send a copy of this post to his parents?? Someone besides you…you never know what might break through and help.
Just wanted you to know that I’d sent the link to this piece to my husband when you posted it. He just asked me for it again, to share with the deacons from our church. 🙂